The Role of Parents in the College Application Process

My husband and I live on a college campus where he is a professor. Over the years we have spent many entertaining moments watching families of prospective students doing the college visit – teenagers lagging behind pretending they do not know their parents, mothers excited about the grand adventure but fretting about the imminent pain of rejection, fathers equally enthusiastic but wondering if the place really warrants that exorbitant price tag. It ceased to be quite so amusing when we became one of those families ourselves!

College admissions present parents with difficult ethical, social and educational choices. We want our children to enjoy the adventure, act with integrity, feel good about the outcome, and be launched into successful and empowered adulthood under their own steam. Yet, we also witness the avalanche of requirements bearing down on them and we listen to other parents stressing about declining admit rates and soaring college expectations. In the end, many parents feel like they need to choose between allowing their teenagers the space to forge their own way to college or, given the stress and complexities of the process, usurping their child’s ability and right to retain ownership of it. The road to helicopter parenting is, like the one to hell, paved with the best of intentions!

There are no clear or easy answers to managing the application process well as a parent. But here are a few tips towards being appropriately and productively involved in your child’s college application:

  • You are their foremost model for how to deal with the stress, disappointments and joys of this process. It is not necessarily what you say but what you do that will likely have the greatest impact on their behavior and perspective.
  • Help your child develop the tools to evaluate colleges sensibly and thoughtfully – if you cannot move your own thinking beyond superficialities of rank and status, it will be hard for your child to engage constructively with the idea of a good college “fit.” If they don’t understand that what they do at college matters more than the rank of the school they got into, you might spend four more years worrying about the fact that being a mediocre or unhappy student at a highly ranked institution will probably not do for their futures what you had hoped it would! Remind your child – and yourself – that the college application process is only the opening act to the more important drama of succeeding at college.
  • The only thing perhaps more counterproductive these days than a helicoptering parent, is a snowploughing one! To be successful, students need self-motivation, independence and self-reliance in the absence of a parent herding them along. Admission officers always note at information sessions how parents ask all the questions. Resist! Give your child the opportunity – and the responsibility – to ask their own questions, make their own calls, and organize their own calendars.
  • Help set up campus visits, and then work at making these pleasant and instructive experiences for all. This requires that you bite your tongue when they express opinions that are thoughtless or even silly; keep your temper when they announce on arrival that this is not a good place for them; and listen for the subtext when they are having trouble articulating their dreams and anxieties. And remember to enjoy what may be your last extended trip with your teenager!
  • Overcome your reluctance to talk to them about money. College is expensive and there are few moments sadder than when families realize that getting admitted to a dream school is not enough to make the dream come true. This can be avoided if your family talks about what is affordable or beyond your means, and think about how to put the unattainable within reach. The financial aid process is largely in the hands of parents, so be organized about it. Do your taxes early, inform yourselves about requirements, and complete the applications in a timely manner.
  • Step away from that college essay! It is not yours to write, and in forgetting that fact you are not doing your child any favors. Essays written by parents often sound like it – smoothly written, adult in tone, and simply not very interesting. And if you do not model ethical behavior, will your child know that at college submitting another’s work as their own will get them ejected? And, more importantly, how can they have confidence in their own ideas when you show them that you don’t? But if they do ask you for essay ideas or comments, savor their trust in you and be supportive, thoughtful and gently honest.

Above all, help your teenagers develop a healthy perspective on this process by reminding them that your unconditional love does not depend on ivy growing on their colleges’ walls! As parents, we assume they know this. Yet this is a moment most likely to test their confidence and sense of self. But it is also a great opportunity for you to put finishing touches to the job you started 18 years earlier, and to send them off into the world knowing that whatever the outcome of their college application, you value them.


Interviewing

What is an interview?

We go through our lives interviewing and being interviewed every day. An interview is basically an encounter in which two people, who may not know anything about each other, are consciously working to form an impression of the other. Thus, many of your daily interactions and conversations could be considered ‘interviews’. If you can begin seeing some of these moments as mini-interviews, you will begin to gain greater insight into the way you portray yourself and, therefore, greater control over the way you are perceived. When you are in a conversation, try and imagine how the other person is seeing you and what it is you can and cannot do to influence that perspective. Observe your friends when you talk to them – what are they doing or saying that could give a stranger a negative impression of them, or simply a wrong one?

A successful interview is the outcome of your conscious and thoughtful choices about how you to present yourself to others. Thinking about this process will also help you to better explore and evaluate all of your personal and professional relationships. After all, if you can understand more about how others view you and how you can influence that view, then you can also begin to grasp a little more about why you see other people (or even judge them!) – friends, relatives, teachers, strangers – in the way you do.

Why do colleges do interviews?

As with every aspect of the application process, keep in mind that most American colleges use a holistic evaluation of your candidacy – they consider not only your grades and scores but also look for intellectual depth, social maturity and civic concern. The interview is another chance for you to add more such evidence to your application. Having presented yourself to the admission officers in your essays and having had teachers describe you in their letters of recommendation, the interview is a chance for you to advocate for yourself. You may be offered an interview either before applying to a college or, in the case of the most selective schools, after you have submitted an application. Many schools will offer some interviews on campus, but most will now give you the opportunity to interview with an alumnus closer to home. Whatever the location or circumstances, seek out and accept any opportunity for an interview that you can get!

How to prepare for the interview?

Whether you are interviewed by an alumnus or an admission staff person, he or she will ask questions meant to elicit an impression of you in relation to that college – is this student the kind we want at our college; is this student a good fit for our institution; is this student likely one day to become a good representative alumnus?

But an interview is by definition a dance between at least two people – in other words, you have as much of a role to play as the interviewer does. Prepare for that role! Do not go into it thinking that all you have to do is answer the interviewer’s questions honestly. That is a great start, but probably not enough! After all, when you have a conversation with another person, there is a give and take in which you are not a passive bystander but an equal participant. An interviewer will ask questions to form an impression of you, and your role is to shape that impression while also eliciting information about the college. In short, do not go into the interview feeling like the proverbial lamb being led to the slaughter! Whether or not this conversation will be fun and interesting will depend just as much on you as on the interviewer!

You prepare for the “dance” that is an interview by being ready both to ask and answer questions. At the very least, an interview is meant to give you information about the college and answer some burning concerns you may have about it. And let’s be honest, asking questions is often a great way to help cover those awkward silences that occur in conversations between strangers!

But asking questions is more than the chance to get information and to seem socially gracious. Of the following five behaviors that candidates exhibit in interviews, which one do you think recruiters find most unforgivable?

  1. Poor personal appearance
  2. Overemphasis on social aspect of college
  3. Failure to look at interviewer while interviewing
  4. Doesn’t ask questions
  5. Late to interview

Well, yes – any of these five behaviors can be deadly – but the answer, according to professionals, is #4. So prepare yourself with some (not too many! not too few!) well-considered questions. That way, you can gain some control over the flow of the dialogue, as well as demonstrate your knowledge of and interest in the college. You can add to what you have tried to say about yourself in your essay, and you can reassure the interviewer of the seriousness of your interest in his or her school without feeling that you sound awkward or fake in saying it! Of course, do avoid the other four pitfalls too!

What to do in your interview?

Having prepared some questions for your interviewer and having done the research to answer his or her questions, enter the interview with confidence. During the ensuing conversation, keep in mind the attributes and qualifications that the interviewer is looking for, so that you can demonstrate that you have those by reflecting on your own experiences and by offering thoughtful questions and informed answers. A college interviewer is looking for:

  • Commitment/interest in the college – neither gush with exaggerated enthusiasm nor leave any doubts about your interest in the college.
  • Knowledge about the university’s expectations and unique offerings – do you know what the college has to offer you that is unique and a good fit for you, or are you applying simply because others told you to do so?
  • Your interest in being part of a community of very diverse people – have you been a good member of a team and do you work well with others?
  • Leadership experience – can you lead and organize well?
  • Will you, both as a student and subsequently as an alumnus or alumna, be a good representative of that college in the wider world?

What can you do to help answer these questions in the interviewer’s mind?

  • Show social grace by smiling, shaking hands when meeting, sitting straight and not slouching, saying thank you, waiting for an older person to take his or her seat before you do, not interrupting, and being respectful without being obsequious (look it up – it is good SAT practice!).
  • It is fine to let the interviewer know you are nervous – it shows that you care and gives the interviewer a sense of your ability to handle stress.
  • Be sure to talk about how your goals and philosophy blend and are strengthened by the goals and philosophy of the college/university, and back it up with examples and details … this is where that earlier preparation comes in!
  • Ask the interviewer about his or her own course of study as a way of introducing the academic aspects of the university that interest you – perhaps a particular program you like, a researcher you read about or a professor whose book you use in school? A college is above all an academic institution.
  • You need not hash out all of your courses, grades or activities – the admission office will see these in your application – but it can be good to refer to them in passing as a way of making the point that you are a good fit for that institution and that you have a contribution to make – as a team member, as a leader, as a good citizen. But be a person, not a transcript or a list of activities! What’s interesting about you?
  • When the interview is done, be sure to thank the person for his or her time with a short note (so get contact information!) – this shows your good manners alongside with your gratitude.

What to avoid in your interview?

But there are also behaviors that should be avoided, and some are so obvious that they are easily overlooked!

  • TURN OFF YOUR PHONE AND DO NOT ANSWER IT OR CHECK YOUR TEXT MESSAGES DURING AN INTERVIEW! EVER!
  • Watch your language! This does not mean simply avoiding vulgar or off-color words and phrases, but also the linguistic mannerisms that teenagers like and adults despise! Excessive use of the word “like,” for example!
  • Avoid familiarity! You are not applying to become the interviewer’s best buddy, but for admission to a university. Moreover, wait until you are invited to address a person by their first name before you use it – older interviewers may be particularly sensitive to this.
  • Listen! Alumni and admission interviewers will share with you their own ideas about their institution and what is most significant about the place. To learn what those ideas are, you have to pay attention. You need not agree with everything, but you do need to show a respectful interest.
  • Do not be rattled by a poor interviewer! Yes, it can happen that you encounter someone who is not particularly adept at the art of interviewing – who talks too much, too little, asks silly questions, plays ridiculous games that are meant to test you somehow. Answer as well and as honestly as you can, and know that the admission officers who read these things will probably read several reports by that same interviewer and develop their own views of how well or how poor he or she does the job. Alumni interviewers are not doing this professionally, and admission officers know and understand this when reviewing the results.

PARENTS, accept and understand this is your child’s moment. No matter how keen you are to chat with the interviewer, no matter how strongly you feel about your child’s achievements, you cannot and should not join in the conversation. Under any circumstances! The interviewer may understandably come to doubt your child’s ability to cope as an independent adult on a college campus, and that assessment will go in their reports.

Interviews matter, whatever other students and parents will tell you! No college will spend resources to set these up if they were irrelevant. Interviews are often conducted by alumni to be fair to those many students who cannot travel to campuses for interviews and often because admission officers are already overburdened. Informational interviews may serve only as an opportunity for you to ask questions. But even these are of value to you – what better way to prepare yourself to answer a college’s question on “why are you applying to us?”

Many colleges, especially more selective ones, offer interviews that are evaluative – that means the interviewer will write a short report on you to be used in the application process. Of course, a 30 minute conversation when you are on your best behavior will certainly not trump what you did, or failed to do, in your classroom over several years, nor should it. But it will give you the chance to “inhabit” your application some more, and another chance to argue that you are a good fit with a college. Bad interview reports are few and far between, and are usually the result of specific behaviors – arriving late, refusing to meet the interviewer’s eye, an inability to say more than yes or no, apathy or indifference, lying! Interviewers usually give students the benefit of the doubt and really enjoy the rare chance of chatting with a bright and interesting young person.

Many interviewers believe that your interest in their alma mater is already evidence of your good judgment! Relax, have fun, and build on that goodwill!

 


What You REALLY Want to Know about Colleges?

Visiting a college campus can be overwhelming. By the time you (and your parent) sink back into your car, do you feel you know more? Or are you more confused? Try to ‘do your homework’ on some of these issues before (and after!) you schedule your trip!

Below is a list of campus options and characteristics which current college students and professional educators consider important benchmarks in evaluating the educational and developmental opportunities on any campus. Some will be more significant than others for you, but we hope this list will help you to learn more about the schools you visit, and to see each campus deeply, beyond the buildings and the trees.

  • Does this institution challenge your assumptions and take you outside your comfort zone? Will it prepare you for future globalization and for living/working within the increasingly broad diversity of values, perspectives, experiences within your country?
  • What are the opportunities for cross-disciplinary studies – through concentrations/majors?
  • Independent Studies? Group Independent Studies? What supports?
  • What are some of the strongest departments for undergraduate students?
  • If you are interested in, for example, how children or adults learn, will you be able to find relevant classes in many areas/departments, including Psychology? Sociology? Education? Public Policy? Computer Science? Philosophy? Cognitive Science? Modern Culture and Media?
  • What attention/support do students get from faculty in the department in which they chose to major?
  • How is teaching valued vs. research by the faculty? By the university?
  • How easy is it to change curricular choices? Programs? Majors?
  • What opportunities are there for students and faculty to interact outside of the classrooms? (Do they all use the campus coffee shops, lunchrooms, service projects, attend campus lectures, etc.)
  • How does this university value its undergraduate college(s) compared to its professional schools?
  • During college, will there be opportunity for you to do academic work in groups?
  • What are the consequences of taking academic challenges that don’t work?   Of making mistakes, without failing? – are they viewed as learning experiences?
  • Are classes/sections led/taught by other students? Graduate students? Undergraduate?
  • How hard is it to get into the courses you want?
  • What size are the average classes – for first-year students and sophomores? Especially science classes?
  • Is there a requirement or opportunity to do a thesis or a capstone project?
  • What are an undergraduate’s chances of doing research with a faculty member? Summers? Semesters? 1st, 2nd,3rd, 4th year?
  • Are there opportunities to work as a Teaching Assistant? Are in-the-field internships available?
  • Are there Study Abroad opportunities – summers? Semester/year?  What percentage of students study abroad? Where? In what academic year? Support for students abroad? Does Financial Aid ‘travel’ abroad with students?  How many/what programs are based at this school? Issues about transferring credit?
  • Does this college allow its students to Study Away in the USA – summers? Semester/year? Programs? Transfer credit available?
  • What are the resources on campus for Study Skills training? By peers? Professionals? Cost?
  • What is the Academic Advising Program like for first-years? Sophomores? Upperclassmen? Concentration/majors? Who advises – faculty? Professionals? Student peers? How do students rate advising? How do they use it? Departmental support?
  • Are there opportunities to work as a Peer Academic Advisor? Or as a Peer Residential Advisor? If so, must they monitor/report on their constituents? Are there professional/adult/faculty Residential Fellows?
  • Do students mainly live off or on campus, after their first year? How open/closed are the dorms? How do people who do not live in the dorms gain access?
  • What are the students’ major issues regarding safety? What safety measures have been put in place?
  • What percentage of the campus is fraternity/Greek oriented? How big a part do they play in all students’ life?   What’s the general attitude towards ‘nerds and geeks?’
  • What are the creative opportunities? University supported and/or student initiative opportunities in theatre? Music? Dance? Debate? Student government? Service? . . . on and on –
  • What does the weekend social life revolve around? Are there off-campus options? Do students talk about having fun learning, or is fun = partying? What are the alcohol policies, and how are they enforced?
  • How are athletes/athletics perceived? Supported? By faculty? Administration? Students? How are the athletic/exercise facilities for non-athletes?
  • What is the college’s attitude towards taking a Leave of Absence (time off) for personal reasons [medical, family]; for employment, internships, personal development, travel, study elsewhere?
  • What kinds of leadership opportunities are there? Curricular? Co-curricular? Off-campus?
  • What kind of support is there for students interested in applying for scholarships and fellowships during college and after graduation – campus-based, national or international (Danforth, Rhodes, Marshall, Fulbright, NSF, etc.)? Or for minority fellowships? (Mellon Minority Fellowships).
  • To whom do students turn to learn about graduate study? About professional study? (law, medical, dental, business school).  How do they get recommendations?
  • How strong is the Career Services program? It is available to students in their 4th, 3rd, 2nd, 1st year of college? Does it help with obtaining summer positions? Internships? Is there any financial help available to the student who has the opportunity to take a terrific but unpaid internship? Who are some of the strongest recruiters on campus? Can a student receive academic credit for an internship?
  • When students come back to this campus for their 5th or 10th reunion, do they look up faculty? Do they visit them in their offices? Their homes? Get invited to a meal or to stay the night?
  • Is this school likely to help you become who you want to be? Are the faculty/departments aware of what graduates will seek to do with their skills? Are they oblivious, tolerant or helpful?
  • Do students at this school say they love it & wouldn’t want to be anywhere else? This is most important!


Campus Visits

How to prepare for your visit?

  • Timing: Search every school’s website, sooner rather than later, to see whether you have to sign up for a tour and an information session, and whether or not on-campus interviews are available.
  • Preparation: The more you have researched a college before you arrive on campus, the more you will know what it is you need to know. If you walk away from a visit being able to say only that, “It is a good school,” “It is a pretty campus,” “They do research” or “They have a study abroad program,” then it has been a wasted opportunity. So arrive on campus ready to find answers to the questions you have prepared!
  • Accommodation: Many colleges will have a section about local accommodations on their admission website – try to stay close to campus so you can spend the evening in the local neighborhood or even attend an event on campus. Keep in mind that winter weather in parts of the US can have a big impact on any travel plans!
  • Directions: Print out a local map or use your phone for directions, since campuses are confusing hives of activity. Make note of public parking and bring along some quarters for parking meters!

What to do when you visit?

  • Arrival: Leave time to find parking, sign in at the admission office, and pick up the business card of your regional representative.
  • Interviews and classes: Check if a college offers on-campus interviews – these are mostly informational (to tell you about the college) and conducted by senior students, and fill up quickly. Check if you can attend a class (if school is in session), and observe the classroom dynamic.
  • Admission session: As the centerpiece of a campus visit, the info session will usually be presented by an admission officer with the assistance of a student. More formal in approach, these events are helpful in describing the application and financial aid processes; in giving you an opportunity to listen to and learn from the questions of others; and in exposing you to both the platitudes that are the stock of the admission profession but also to deeper insights into what makes that college distinctive and a good fit for your own aspirations. Here are some questions to ponder:
    • what is the relative acceptance rate for Early Applications and Regular Decision?
    • is admission need-blind or need-aware?
    • what proportion of students are local, and how many come from elsewhere in the US and the world?
    • how will winning outside scholarships affect your financial aid package?
    • when do you have to declare your major?
    • how easy is it to switch between majors and programs?
    • how extensive are the general education or core requirements?
    • which are the most popular and the strongest majors offered?
    • how extensive is the advising system?
    • how extensive are the study abroad options and how many students participate?
    • what are the interesting community service opportunities on and around campus?
    • can non-arts majors make easy use of the school’s arts and theater resources?
    • how long are you guaranteed housing on campus?
    • how many students stay on campus over the weekends?
    • how hard is it to get into the courses you want and the ones required for graduation?
    • what is the graduation rate over four or six years?
  • Campus tour: If the information session presents the formal face of the admission office, the campus tour will give you the perspective of an engaging and informative current student, share fun facts that an admission officer will not, and give you a brief taste of life on campus. You may want to ask the tour guide these types of questions:
    • what they like most about their school, and like least?
    • what they wish they had known when they first chose that college?
    • what the classes are like, both in faculty-student interaction and size?
    • whether they have ever been locked out of taking a class, and how they resolved it?
    • whether the advising system has lived up to their expectations and met their needs?
    • how often they meet with their professors outside of class?
    • where students hang out on campus, and study?
    • how important fraternities/sports/alcohol are to campus culture?

The role of Parents?

  • College visits are tiring, but this may be the last extended time to spend with your child before s/he leaves for college. Enjoy it!
  • Don’t feel compelled to give them harsh reality checks and put a damper on their dreams – the application process will do that very effectively!
  • Don’t argue about seemingly ridiculous criticisms of every college you visit, but accept that their comments may in fact be a screen for another set of unspoken concerns and anxieties.
  • Above all, enjoy their company and take pride in the fact that this is your reward for those Sunday nights gluing together a school project, the endless cupcakes you made for class events, the early mornings next to the ice rink, and the weekends spent alongside the soccer field!

Have a WONDERFUL time visiting some outstanding educational institutions, and carry that excitement with you into the application season!